Friday, April 25, 2008

Million Dollar Meat

PETA (People of Ethical Treatment of Animals) is offering to pay $1 million to the first person who can develop a plan to commercially produce fake meat.

For those of you who are having a hard time putting down the drumstick and adapting to “test tube” meat, here are a few suggestions to cope with the meat withdrawals.

1. Date a pig-headed jock. There will be enough meat in his brain (maybe even pants) to feed you for years.
2. Eat leathered fruit. Once dried, fruit resembles the texture of most animal products, chewy and tough.
3. Shape your food into popular meat shapes. For example, cut your tofu so it resembles a nice t-bone steak, or even dino-nuggets.
4. Buy some “smoked” flavoring. Try adding a dash to your cereal, spreading some of a cracker or even adding it to a smoothie.
5. Put your food on a stick. Everything tastes a little bit more like meat if you can rip it off a stick with your teeth.
6. Revert to sucking your thumb. Gnawing on your thumb all day keeps your mouth full satisfies most meet cravings.

Lonely Guitar

My guitar is sad because I never learned how to play it.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Where they meet

Facebookproof a Relationship

Thanks to facebook’s mini-feed, all of your friends are immediately notified when your boyfriend dumps you. Sometimes they even find out about the break up before you do. Facebook drastically changed the structure of a relationship.

“We’re official now, it’s on facebook,” said the girl to her friend on the bus. It’s true. A relationship is not real unless it’s certified, documented and hosted by facebook.

So how do you decide when you’re ready to take it to facebook?

1. You have a toothbrush at his/her house.
2. Your friends know his/her name.
3. You’re not afraid to let him/her see you naked.

You don’t want to be the first one to “add” the relationship to their page. That makes you look needy and clingy.
You have two choices:
a. Sit and wait for him to realize how much he loves you.
b. Get a life and stop caring.
(most girls pick the first)

Now how do I pick a title?

How can I pick one title that describes the vast inner workings of our relationship? You can’t, but here are a few tips.

1. Shy away from married or engaged. If you’re married, you shouldn’t have facebook, grow up. These titles are only to be seriously used by BYU students.

2. The “open relationship” title can be used as a safe bet when first listing the relationship in your profile. It says, “yes, I’m committed to you, enough to announce it to the world, but we’re not exactly going steady.”

BUT Beware of the clinger. She will not stand for this title and read it as an insult. In her mind, you became her boyfriend the moment she laid eyes on you, but she was too scared to post it on facebook. She’ll now stop talking to you for a week, and when you ask what’s wrong, she’ll say nothing.

In the end, the only way to avoid this relationship turmoil, is to remove your relationship status from your profile all together. Leave it as interested in men/women.